Sometimes its difficult to give people your honest opinions. Perhaps that comes from a fear of rejection, or fear of not fitting in, or fear of criticism for how and what you believe. Bottom line is that we often do not think we are enough.
That has been a huge issue for me. While I still get anxious in many ways, I often find myself either mentally or physically snapping my fingers at my own silly self and moving along. Life is too short to be caught in trauma drama.
This is the last of my 'Not Quilting' days. My first plan for today was to paint the outside of my two entry doors, but I could not find painters' tape, so this is a job for another time.
It is still risky for me to be in close proximity to my quilting projects, even though this is the last day of my time away from them. Luckily, they got put behind closet doors so are out of sight/out of mind.
As I walked into my studio, it was apparent spending time in here cleaning, and clearing would be a good thing. There were still magazines to go through or at least put on a corner shelf in here. There were papers to sort and either file or toss. All of them were on my work station and so had to go somewhere before I could even start quilting again. I smiled wondering if this had been a sub-conscious plan all along and that I need to trick myself into some behaviors or actions.
My writing desk was cluttered too. The stack of books to list was going to take me more than one sitting to get it done. That process is so very time consuming. The process for Amazon seller's listings have changed so I spent a fair amount of time learning how they want it done now. I am able to get at least 5 of them done at one time, and just estimating what is in these overflowing boxes might be close to 100 more.
I worked for two publishing houses when I lived in MN editing their raw manuscripts. They sent me huge boxes of product, a lot of which stayed in the shrink wrap or didn't come with boxes. I got almost 20 listed this time, but it is a lot of work to follow the links, compare prices and click to sell.
And then there is the shelf I use to hold Swap-bot exchanges. What a mess that got to be. Every time I go through it to organize, things get put in a logical order. Then I join a different kind of swap and everything changes. Needless to say, my attention is drawn to this room like a recovering alcoholic tending bar.
I do not consider myself a recovering quilter just because I took a time out. I intend to quilt again.
One by one, as the piles were handled, the bookcase in here was organized with all my 'absolute keeper' books and things, the work station was cleared off. Papers were sorted for filing, Swap-bot projects got separated out from family photos & cards and everything was put into a more reasonable system on that shelf unit. I found more items to list for sale as I went through the 'keeper' books and put them in alpha order.
Everything got dusted. Wait. What?
Once I realized how many areas of my house and yard needed work that have been neglected because of my focus on quilting, it seemed easier to get the work done during this week because I have taken time away. It was an opportunity to embrace. And in truth, because of the diversity of tasks, the obsession I feel towards quilting seemed less today.
Well, for part of the day. For a person to deny that they have an addiction of any kind could be part of the addiction. I do not think it is easy to face. To fight thinking about it is still thinking about it. As the week progressed, it was like the cliche of an angel and a devil on each of my shoulders battling for my sanity. Voices telling me to quilt or not to quilt were constantly zapping me.
It was important for me to get outside while the weather was cooler this morning and before the sun was so bright I couldn't see what I was doing. Three years ago, the house was painted a dark, yummy chocolate over a very light & faded pastel green. Over those years, I had been noticing some of the light color showing through where the siding panels joined, and so got the paint out, stirred it and went around the house touching up where needed. It will most likely be good for several more years now.
Its not like the job took long, and was one of those things that wasn't important, so for three years, it had gone undone. I am not sure anyone else noticed.
It always takes longer to prep and clean up paint than it does to do the work. I threw away the sponge and small rag rather than spend time cleaning. (I do have a lot of new rags from my old clothes.) I would have seen this as ecologically UN-sound some years ago, but that was then and this is now.
One thing I have learned is that I can only do what only I can do, and that I really have to prioritize my energy expenditures to maximize it all.
Then I came back in to finish setting up the bookcases. I've made enough space on the bookcase in the Entry and the Northside bookcase for more books I want to list for sale. And in moving them around, I pulled off even more that I am ok to release. And yes, I alphabetized the 'keeper' books at the same time. My pile of books to list actually tripled. Some will list, some will need to be given away if they are not worth selling. However, when a book sells, it does provide a bit of income, and goes to someone who either wants or needs it.
These are the art supplies that had been on the Northside and need to go on the Southside bookcase where most things on it are 'keepers' right now or just books I haven't gone through yet. I won't do much sorting on it for now.
Just a little dusting. Maybe.
Its not that I dislike housework. I actually do keep at it all the time, and enjoy the benefits of having a clean home and being organized. These bigger tasks I've been doing this week have just gone undone for far too long.
Part of what happens for me is that I keep thinking I will get to what needs doing, and then I put it off. Quilting drew me away from housework because it seems like it is a much more worthy activity. Quilting satisfies my soul, provides an opportunity for artistic expression, and a way for me to connect to family members. Few people see my home, and fewer yet would notice the house unless it was really trashed.
Well, one more day to go.
Change is something not everyone likes because it usually brings chaos first. And so it does.
I was not content with how cluttered the shelves were looking as I alphabetized the for-sale books. I took down the books on all shelves in that first bookcase so it would be free for me to stack books listed online for sale in alpha order. It meant moving everything around. They still look chaotic because they are not finished. The dust! Holi Ka!
I took all the quilting books and magazines filling half the 3rd shelf in the 3rd bookcase and moved them into the studio for stacking in here. And I pulled more from the 1st and 2nd bookcases that I am willing to release and sell.
Obviously, as books get listed, they will be put in alpha slots for easy retrieval. Its still pretty much a WIP (quilting term for work in progress). Needless to say, its more the state of chaos right now than it is anything that is or looks completed.
Then, another thing I am doing that is NOT-quilting is that I joined a group called Postcrossing. It is a post card exchange with people from around the world. I printed off the five profiles for people I send to going in Monday's mail. Its another activity I will enjoy. My people for the first round come from Germany, China, the Russian Federation, the Czech Republic and one here in the states living in Maryland. Here is a link for more information.
https://www.postcrossing.com/about
My plan to minimize isn't overwhelming. My expectations are.
There are left-overs from each of the projects I've been doing. And for whatever reason, going back to work on any of them to complete the original task seems like a big chore.
Books-for-sale fill an entire book case and several additional shelves. This took a lot longer to alphabetize than I thought it would. The project is done and next, I have to start consolidating the rest the bookcases and see if I am able to release more of them.
The sorting solution for that stack of periodicals was to place them onto the Friends of the Library shelves and let FotL sell them. The quilting magazines & a few other odd periodicals are on a top shelf in my studio, and no work is needed for them, because I don't feel like more browsing or sorting or dusting. your-guilt-free-guide-taking-mental-health-day
I have been wondering if the quilting I do is like any addictive drug, where by cutting off my supply to it triggers a sudden drop in the release of the feel-good brain chemicals. If this is true, and I continue to think it is, then if I stay away from it too long, the lack of the feel-good chemicals could very well start bringing in a lack of energy resulting in sadness. Its not like there is a helper-drug to get me through.
I've been considering the associative words like 'obsession', or 'withdrawal' and think I am feeling both of them. I want to say that its not so bad, and then know that 'denial' is yet another word people who are addicted use. What I think is funny is how we (quilters) use the word 'stash' which was always associated with users who hid their bottles, food or drugs. Maybe, however, quilters have made this a good thing to have and show their pride.
As time goes on, I wonder if there is a value in maintaining the non-quilting days for a full week. I wonder if my desire to stop it all of a sudden signals my addiction or if not-quilting is beginning to wear on me. I decided to turn my attention to out of the house activity for my next day. That will get me out of the studio and really-really away from any fabric.
I don't really know what an addict to drugs or alcohol feels like, and maybe to compare my addiction to quilting is like a fluffy way of thinking. However, its almost hard to maintain my sanity against the pull to let it come back into my day. I assume this is similar to what drug or alcohol addicts feel about their chemicals.
I got an email update about the Charm Square Table Runner swap. Seems my partner is ok with adding creams and greens to the purples, so my Charm Pack will work. That got me inspired to look for a pattern again, so I started going through some 50-60 or more quilting magazines I have on the shelf. Going through these magazines is an entirely different project not related to quilting as much as it is getting the ones I don't need off the shelf and out of my life. I pulled out patterns that I want to save and tossed most of the magazines, saving about 10.
This was part of what it takes to quilt. The agenda to clear them out was different. It is extremely difficult to separate the work of clearing unneeded items from what I do as a quilter. I got up from it, and walked away. The pull to take the next step in quilting was unbelievable.
The wooden file cabinet that was under the table and against the wall is emptied and moved into another room. I used my quilting work station to look through both the magazines and files. I sorted them to see what needed to be tossed or saved. It surprised me to see how empty the vertical file cabinet is now. There had been no 'Note-to-Self' letting me know why these papers were saved, so all I can assume is that last year when I did this, what was left were things I thought were important. My sorting filled the wastebasket three times, and then I filed what remained. Some things need to be done in stages.
There are three main topics left to put into the vertical filing cabinet: 1) Health / Legal papers; 2) Research for the Befana book; 3) Spiritual Research.
I don't always make the connection about the psychological issues in my life now that I am not teaching. However, grief and loss show up in the strangest ways. Just because I made the choice to retire doesn't mean it wasn't a loss. In fact, it was a huge change in my life and of course came with a certain amount of grief. And then there was the loss of my Niece. I have not forgotten her and all the losses her passing left us with.
There is no timeline for grief.
As I went through the quilting magazines, I realized that my goal for quilting in the next few years is to first of all, finish what has been started & stored in bins; and then to use up the scrap squares by joining them in a sort of random order for quilts. I don't need nor do I want to make the more complex patterns. Going forward with all parts of my life is that I mean to travel lightly.
So here I am, finding new strengths, creating new patterns (not just the quilting kind) and trying to pull myself out of the deep dip. A day or so ago, I wondered where I was and where I was going, and this chart helps me see that the walls of grief are slick and steep, so if I tumble back down, and start feeling the disorientation, panic and guilt, I know I need to find a way to climb up and out. There is no shame in being where I am about feeling grief and loss. It is what is is and at least I got to a place where I could see it and see how it was affecting my work. And yet, guilt is a stage of it.
This has been a good few days of not-quilting.
Having a sweet life starts with progressively living in favor of what might BE & what IS rather than what might have been.
After coffee with my next door neighbor, I went to work on the 5-drawer cabinet, my PJ drawer, and hanging bin to go through my clothes. Its one area of my life that is hard for me to deal with, hard to release, and has piled up. These storage places are overflowing with worn out clothes and clothing I will most likely never wear again. Junk.
The first thing was to get them all out of their containers, fold them, and try things on for fit. Next, a few things got tossed, a few wearable things went into the thrift store giveaway, and then the rest was re-folded and re-organized into my closets and drawers. I don't need all these things. And when I look at them, they ARE junk. True down-sizing might mean that I need a few changes for daily use, a couple of 'for-good' things and a few PJs.
What I don't get about me, and how I deal with these raggy clothing items, is why I keep them. It might be in my best interest to wait a day or two and then do it again. Pull them all out into a pile, sort and cull.
If there is truth to progressively living in favor of what might be & is, AND my goal is to live more as a minimalist, then I see how I am caught and stuck in what was. I think I have been avoiding a lot of other things in my life when I quilt.
Its possible that I need to convince myself that it is ok to let go of what no longer serves me, EVEN IF it never gets replaced. I think one of the issues is that I don't know what I am doing here & now, or how I am going forward. It is probable that these tasks will shed some light on what the next steps are.
It makes me smile. With all those 'notes-to-self' I write on my quilting projects, I don't do that with my clothes. Keep/toss?
Part of this might be a residual effect from retiring. All that change had a lot to do with releasing a particular lifestyle of traveling and speaking in front of groups. Our culture doesn't give us a lot of training in releasing old ways. It is caught up in the consumerism of wanting more, buying more and having more.
My next task was to pull out a stack of periodicals, saved because, in my head, it is a grievous sin to throw away any printed material. Over the years, I might find one tip, one recipe, one photo that is worth the magazine. And I discovered that I can actually RIP that one precious page out and put it in a 3-ring binder to save for reference. I don't NEED a stack of magazines taking up shelf space and collecting dust.
Maybe I cheated. About half of them focus on gardening, so they are in one of those flat rate mailing boxes going to my friend Rex, who is still gardening. I didn't open one of them. This stack is more manageable.
I needed to find and bring some health documents to my chiro appointment. My really lovely maple 2-drawer filing cabinet was moved under my work tables, and shoved back to the wall. Last time I opened it was just after retiring over a year ago when I cleared out and sent all the student documents, and tossed old lesson plans. Most of it is empty and its time for me to go through it again, toss the rest of what is not needed, and move it to a better location.
And yet, I was still not done for the day with things I have been neglecting. Some time ago, I started listing my books for sale online, and they sell a few at a time for whatever reason. The problem I have is that I wasn't keeping the listed books separate enough on my shelves from the non-listed ones. I emptied out this corner shelf in my studio and switched books that I do not plan to list from the great room. I need to spend time putting the ones I do want to sell in an alpha-order. The 'keeper' shelves are thinning out and yet there is a pretty big pile of them waiting to go on the for-sale list.
It was a good day not-quilting. And it feels like I am starting to live a sweeter life as more of a minimalist.
I've said it before, quilting has become an addiction for me. When I went into town today, I could have just run all the other errands and skipped going into the quilt shops. But no-o-o-o. Not only did I visit one, but I stopped at both of them.
Its not like I planned to pull out the projects again. However, my first purchase was for borders on The Great Pumpkin quilt. The measurements I took said I needed 3/8 for the first border and 5/8 for the next one. I have a yard for the last border. I didn't need to pull out the project, and did. Just to see. However, I put it back with the new fabric and closed the closet doors.
The first shop doesn't sell Charm Packs and that is what I needed for that project; the table runner swap I am in has a specific rule about using a CP rather than building the runner from stash. Rules ask for a photo of the paper wrap from around the CP with its name. I could have stopped there with the purchase, yet opened it to discover that it doesn't have entirely the look for what I wanted to do for the table runner.
Yes, I laid the colors out to see what was there. I mean after all. The pack is real 'woodsy' or has a 'nature' feel to it. It is named for the Minnesota state flower, the Lady Slipper, and of course, it is going to be lovely. It has enough color to add a lot of interest. That's what charm packs do. This was what was available to me. My partner requested purples. The first one I started uses purples and is going to be stunning.
I wasn't happy with my choices for the patterns and went back online looking for 'charm pack table runner patterns'. This one is going together in uncut blocks as squares.
Here I am 'not quilting' and spending hours online looking for table runner patterns using charm packs! I've laid out those 42 squares in endless ways and with all the green, vanilla and sand colors, the purples get lost even though there are more of them in the pack.
The swappers are allowed a little bit of background, binding and backing fabric to finish, and so I pulled out some other good quality purple fabric that draws out the flowers on the various squares, and adds more balance & brightness to the layout. I plan to finish the other one that used up charms from my stash in time for holiday giving, once I get back to my quilting projects. Just not this week.
Whew. I did ok not quilting today. What happened confirms that I am addicted. No one is fooled by anything. Just because I didn't sit in front of the sewing machine doesn't mean that my attention was taken up by it all. It will be interesting to see how the rest of the week goes.
