Thursday, August 21, 2014

Darkside of Swapping

This morning, there seems to be a lot of commenting about folks who either send late or flake on their swaps. Some folks hold onto the resentment & disappointment they feel and others cut their losses and move on. You never know what will happen even when there is email contact.

My recent FQ swap partner sent pieces of really lovely fabrics. It was a pleasant surprise to get state-of-the-art cuts. Halloween fabric is getting hard to find here in town because it just doesn't sell as a seasonal option. I already have plans for them!

The fabrics I sent were 'dotty' in nature because this is what my swap partner requested, along with fabrics that had mushrooms or small animals on them. I was able to find a few cut squares from my stash to include. And the dotted fabrics were from the Christmas collection. I think we were both pleased.

In the early stages of my swaps, and I know I have written about this, I was deeply disappointed to get flaked. It took some deep internal work to learn why it mattered because the person flaking was not someone I knew. I had thought that only people close to me had that kind of impact that wounded my soul. Flakers only set off triggers to the places in my being that need healing. I guess that is their gift.

Yet, in the first wounding experience I had, some stranger took my good work (it was a doll quilt) using the Disappearing 9-Patch pattern, never thanked me, never sent her quilt. Nothing. I loved this little quilt. I loved the work I put into it, the fabrics. And she said nothing. Yes, I had a tracking number on it, so I know she got it. It wasn't the thank you I looked for, but the swap. She promised a doll quilt and never kept her word. It still twangs my sense of right and wrong, however, I did move on to swap again, yet with a stronger sense of who I am in the swap more than what I receive. Now, I read that swappers call this non-sending theft.

Just last week, two late swaps came in from June and July. In both cases, we communicated via email and in both cases they got my swap, saying they loved what I sent. I moved on when theirs didn't arrive, and so when the packages actually came on the same day, it was almost like an unexpected gift from two senders I no longer recognized.

Its not about them. Its about me, about my energy, my spirit, my generosity and my willingness to keep going no matter what comes my way. I am this person because I stopped caring what others think, say or do to me. That is their path and I am on my own. I am only responsible for my word, for my actions.

I want to be a smart swapper and only get into ones that are as safe as they can be. Obviously, no matter what control the admins have, there will be flakes. The admins even ask for Angels who make up for the losses. So far, I haven't experienced an Angel gift, but the thought of that is very appealing. Maybe its more like those PayItForward projects I love so well.

Right now, I am working to finish up my own promises to myself for these quilts on my 2014 list. No one knows they are coming. No one expects them, and no one would be disappointed if they didn't show. Its just my word to myself. And it is enough.

Maybe it is in the darkside of our experiences that we find our deepest healing.