Sunday, November 29, 2015

Mystery Within

Not a mystery quilt, yet the mystery within me has my mind bouncing. All but one one of this year's quilts have been shipped. All but one holiday gift is wrapped and ready to ship.

For so many decades in my life this was a difficult time of year. I think that the commercial advertising might have fed into my sense of self, tearing me down for not having enough to share. At first it was getting the right toys for my Sons. The right ones were usually expensive, often broke or were discarded before the day was out.

Then Grandkids showed up and one by one helped to increase my angst. Not them, but me wanting to give them something that was special. It was me increasing my own angst. Me.

What I wasn't learning is that its not about the things as much as it is being present, sharing space and time, laughing.

Then I started to quilt. I got it in my head that I needed to make everyone in my family a quilt. I started out fast and furious. The best I could do in a year was to finish maybe 10. At least 10. I am still under that system of starting and stopping them, working on them, letting them rest. It won't be much different in 2016 although only five are dedicated right now.

I shipped out 7 quilts in the last couple of weeks. Four of them have been opened. Earlier in the year, several more went out. I haven't really slowed down.

I don't really have the usual angst from years ago, but something is going on. I wonder if it is residual or habitual and if I can get over it or just need to deal with it? Its almost like I still cannot do enough or haven't done enough.

When I looked for some images about 'enough', I was surprised at how many books have been written on the topic and how many people experience this nagging thought. I am not alone in it. I don't know how many quilters or artists feel this way. I do.

So come Tuesday, everything I made or bought for Winter Solstice 2015 will be on its way. I know I should feel relieved and maybe I do. And then I look at the list for 2016 and turn my attention to what is next.